Handling Homesickness at Camp

Sitting at my kitchen table sipping hot chocolate and eating an orange was a delightful, articulate, mature 12 year old, who had sought out a meeting with me to talk about her "problem". She had been at Windsor Mountain for four days and, as she put it to me, "I haven't been making a very good adjustment to being away from home." I asked her what her symptoms were, what made her think she wasn't adjusting. She explained that she was crying, thinking of her parents, and worrying about how things were going at home. She is the oldest child, with a small brother and a new baby due to arrive soon. She was afraid her brother was too much work for her mother, and that her mother wasn't taking good enough care of herself. She felt that she could be enormously helpful if allowed to go home.

It's hard to argue with such altruistically motivated homesickness. The more common kind is self-centered, manifested in, "I'm miserable, I want to go home, I want, I want, I need." My usual response to this variety of homesickness is to reassure the little ball of misery that homesickness is normal, that it's okay to have the feelings of loneliness for parents and sadness for the things being missed at home, and that life isn't expected to be happy all the time. Even though no one would come to Windsor Mountain expressly to learn how to suffer gracefully, these by-products of what can also be a joyful, friendship-making, skill-building, educational experience may be immeasurably valuable.

Life has periods of loneliness, unhappiness, anxiety, sometimes even deprivation and depression. No one can be completely free from conflict. A common theme running through the educational philosophy at Windsor Mountain is that of developing "realistic expectations." One of our major reasons for interviewing each applicant is to help establish these realistic expectations for the summer. Parents who remember their own camping or school days in a rosy glow of reminiscence tend to glamorize the experience. "Honey, you're going to have the best time of your whole life! The friends you make there will be the friends you'll keep forever and ever. You'll become a great tennis player. You'll learn all about mountain climbing, birds, wildflowers, the stars! You'll stay up all night with flashlights, giggling with the other kids. You'll make the greatest friends! When you come home you'll know enough about sailing to take out Daddy's boat all by yourself." With this kind of emoting from parents who only remember the positive aspects, or from parents who always wished they'd been able to go to camp, children need the protection of some reality therapy.

Thus, at the interview, we talk about rainy days; about liking some folks more than others, both student-friends and counselor-friends; about the difficulty of making choices in the program, and how impossible it is to do everything that's offered to me. We talk about second choices, third choices, and even waiting lists; about the waterfront, the temperature of the water, and the aquatic life with whom we share the lake. We discuss worries youngsters might have about not being "good" at an activity, or about having problems making friends. Although obviously we believe strongly that going away to school or camp is fun and worthwhile, we feel a responsibility to make sure that youngsters understand that it won't be fun every minute, that there will be problems to solve, feelings of worry or sadness to overcome, insecurities to work on...and that these problems and feelings are NORMAL.

I believe it is within the capacity of any school-age child to accept the fact that school, sports, scouts, camp, family life, and even life in general, won't always be perfect. I wouldn't denigrate a homesick child's feelings by denying that they exist, or by denying that the reasons for them exist. "Yes, you're homesick. It doesn't feel good, but it's normal, and sometimes even an appropriate feeling."

Most cases of homesickness fade away by the third or fourth day, if treated with a little attention and recognition. We try to help the camper to make a place for him/herself within the community. The intransigent cases like those described above require a triple therapy that involves a cooperative effort between parents, campers and counselors. The parents' role is critical. We have never lost a child to homesickness in cases where the parents have been an informed, supportive, understanding part of the treatment team.

The worst thing a parent can say is "Darling, I know you're going to love it. Just try it a few more days (or a week, or two weeks, or whatever) and if you still feel homesick, I'll come and get you." This approach doesn't work because it puts the camper in the position of being right (I KNEW I wouldn't like it, come and get me) or of being wrong (I was wrong about not liking it, I want to stay). Nobody likes being wrong or backing down. It's more important to be right, even if you cut off your nose to spite your face.

The best thing a parent can say is "Honey, I know you're feeling homesick. It's normal to have those feelings. I want you to make the adjustment, and I feel confident that you can and that you will. I want to help you in any way I can to settle in. I don't expect you to be happy all the time, or to stop missing us and missing home. But I do expect you to stay there, and deal with the feelings you have. We'll call you regularly, we'll write to you often, we're available to talk to you, but you need to see through the commitment you made." Parents need to let their children know that camp or school is a commitment, and that they are people who respect and honor their commitments. They aren't quitters, and they get satisfaction from following through, even though it might not always be easy all the time.

Why is it difficult for parents to insist that their children follow through with camp or school? Homesickness is terribly flattering. Often, parents have as much or more difficulty separating from their kids as the kids do from their parents. When my four year old said, "Mommy, I love you and I'm going to stay with you forever,' I laughed at the warm good feelings that washed over me. But would I want him to stay with me forever? Intellectually, of course not. But emotionally... So parents sometimes build homesickness into the agenda, and feel hurt/disappointment if their best beloved trudges happily off to camp without a backward glance. Another difficulty is that many parents have been programmed to believe that they are bad parents unless they can make their children happy all the time. It's not rational either... no one is happy all the time. But if you CAN relieve misery, if you CAN kiss away the hurt, if it's within your power to give joy, shouldn't you do so?

Child psychologists have analyzed the developmental stages of children, and the important/difficult needs to be met at each stage. While soothing miseries, alleviating pain, and relieving discomfort are appropriate for infants and toddlers, helping deal with frustration, disappointment, conflict and sadness are appropriate for school age children. Giving children confidence in their ability to cope with the vicissitudes of daily life is important. Giving children experience in handling the appropriate degree of discomfort and problems IS being a good parent, because it is helping children grow up, be independent, be separate and strong.

I have seen many children testing their effect on their parents, and testing their own capacity to separate. The young boy who practically vomits through his heartbreaking sobs on the phone to his parents, concludes the call, picks up his glove and bat, and runs off to the ball field. His parents are quivering masses of guilt and uncertainty at the other end of the phone.

Homesickness isn't a 24-hour a day affliction. It comes in temporary waves at odd moments of the day. Most homesick children have fun most of the time. Their fellow campers and counselors see their whole range of feelings and behavior while the parents only hear the miserable moments on the phone or in the most recent letter saying, "Take me away, I can't stand this place, if you don't come and get me I'll run away." It's important to remember that these moments do not a summer make. It's insensitive to remind your child that s/he only feels miserable some of the time, and it's important to acknowledge the very real feelings that are being felt at the moment. But some perspective helps. That's why if the camp directors and counselors can work with parents, together they provide the best help for homesickness.

Once the option of going home is closed, the work of adjusting can begin. And in fact, dealing with homesickness can be done effectively even before the decision is made to go to camp. Parents can explain to their children that twinges of homesickness are common and nothing to worry about. They can reassure children of their confidence in the children's ability to overcome the normal problems of separating. They can draw up a set of procedures for camping in advance. "If you're feeling homesick, what do you think you could do about it?" Have the child work out a plan that could include some of the following elements: talk to her/his counselor. Talk to the camp director. Talk to parents on the phone. Write letters to parents, grandparents and friends to insure a steady supply of return mail. Bring some hobby materials, some favorite games to play with others during free times in the day, as free time is often the only time homesickness crops up. Offer to help in the kitchen. Offer to help in the office. Volunteer to help plan an activity. Volunteer to help with clean-up or gardening. These activities make a camper feel needed, important, and involved in the community. They are all ideas that counselors and the camp director will suggest too, and help to facilitate. But it helps a camper to think about them in advance with his/her parents.

I am sorry to say that my adorable visitor to the kitchen table and the hot chocolate pot didn't stay. Her parents took the "Try it for one week longer" approach. She stayed exactly seven pleasant, productive days longer and demanded that her parents make good on their promise. The loss was many fold: she now has uncertainties about her capacity to handle independence, she lost out on a great learning experience from which she had already begun to gain many new skills and friends; she spent a boring end of summer at home with no friends and no planned activities and it will be a long time before she'll feel ready to break away. The loss was ours too. The amount of psychic energy that the staff and campers put into helping the homesick camper creates close times between them and that camper. The invested energy pays off in great emotional involvement when homesickness is overcome. We hated to see her fail, and we missed her when she went. Her parents also lost... not only financially, but in the disappointment of seeing their daughter miss out on an experience that most other youngsters her age handle with aplomb, and in the last-minute change in plans that meant they had to provide alternative activities for her. It would be good if their experience could help other parents handle the issue of homesickness more successfully.